The meaning of Love

I don't know what hurts worse, my broken heart, or the fragments of broken glass that pierce through any element of protection I have, and leave me broken and bleeding, and exposed to the harsh environment of reality. My heart breaks every time I see another little piece of Troy Slip away. My tears mourn the loss of a relationship in bud that never reached full bloom. The broken glass, cuts received from the outside world, from those who know but do not understand. The harsh words and actions of others when they expect what is not possible, and say and do hurtful things when you don't meet their expectations.

My husband Troy had a pineal germinoma (a benign brain tumor) long before I met him. Our love story started a little later than most, as we were in our late twenties. In some ways he was my polar opposite, the contrast, or compliment,and a balance of qualities I did not have.

Troy was an art major, with great artistic talent (you can see some of his art at wenzelart.com). He enjoyed life, he flew kites, participated in yo-yo competitions, he played the piano, he was never in a hurry to get things done, he was just there to enjoy them. There were some deficits from his tumor and radiation, double vision, difficulty controlling his internal temperature, and some social anxiety. None of which seemed to bother him. He would ask people to read to him. He participated in church functions. And I never noticed any of these things as deficits. He pursued life and enjoyed it, never letting these things get in his way. He did things he enjoyed, in a way he could enjoy them.

I was a registered nurse, always busy, working 2 jobs, always worrying about someone else. My apartment was overly organized, and I had a hard time dealing with roommates who did not know how to clean up after themselves. After all I was the oldest of 9 children who I had taken care of and cleaned up after for a good portion of my life. I didn't know how to enjoy anything, I didn't know how to relax and have fun. There was always some task that needed to be done, or someone else that needed to be taken care of.

Somehow Troy saw through that and appreciated who I am. He kept asking me out even though I wasn't always as caring and kind to him as I should have been. Honestly realizing he had a history of a brain tumor frightened me. I did not want a needy partner, I didn't want to take care of him. I wanted to enjoy a relationship of equals, a relationship that we both shared our strengths, and could rely on the other in our weakness until we became strong.

On February 19, 1994 he asked me "what do you think about marriage", then quickly added, "not just to anyone but to me" my answer fit the proposal style I suppose as I said: "I never thought about marrying anyone else", I didn't throw in the or even about marring you. This lead to conversation about engagement, I pushed the date back, by Utah standards, still a bit unsure of this whole thing and we were married August 19th 1994.